Gratitude…

So I’m finding it hard to constantly express my gratitude for all of my Blessings. I know to some, that that might seem ungrateful. It’s not so much that I do not appreciate what I do have; it’s more so that I am too focused on what I do not have. Nothing material – I know you probably think what I want exists solely within that realm – but in this case it’s more a matter of the heart; a need rather than just want.

For a while now, I have found myself unlucky in love, found it hard to let go and fully immerse myself in what that special person has to offer. Trust wholeheartedly without second-guessing, and look ahead instead of looking back. I have struggled with the weight of expectations and found it difficult to forgive and forget. I would say I am a pessimist, quite naturally – but I am being careful not to write any negativity into my character by giving birth to its energy from my very own mouth. I do automatically assume the worst is going to happen, that the odds are never in my favour and that I am forever going to be unlucky, the looser, the last, and the unfortunate. So a lot of chances and opportunities pass me by as I don’t really believe in risk; and a lot of the time, the chances that I do get are scuppered by my doubts.

So, after watching The Secret, I have decided as instructed, (believe it or not I am quite an obedient character) to write a Gratitude List. The idea is that, by the Law of Attraction, we are going to call into our lives, what we think about, what we place emotion and desire on, as well as what we focus our attention on – whether we say that we want it or not. Most importantly, the saying goes that you get what you are given, in any case, if what you do have you show gratitude for, you will be rewarded of more of the same. In abundance…. So the rich get richer, and so on so forth. The tongue has a mighty power, and we can literally think and speak ourselves into success! I look back on both my past positive and negative thoughts and feelings, and can assess the affect they have had – a positive for instance being getting the job I have now.

It took years, it was part of my Five Year Plan, and I focused all my energy and attention on obtaining it. Funnily enough, I doubted myself and never got it within the time I had originally set. I found myself demotivated and disinterested in the previous role I had, but found it difficult to secure a better and more fitting placement. Each time I received a rejection, I became increasingly anxious and doubtful that I would find somewhere right for me. I had a fair share of offers too, but there was always something wrong – the salary, the role or the location etc. I became more and more frustrated and was about to give up when my dream job popped up. I applied via LinkedIn and got through to the Boss I have now, who explained that they were already in the process of hiring someone for the role. I was devastated, I believed that role was mine – I took my chance and I didn’t even get a fair shot. Annoyed and needing an ego boost I started applying for roles with companies I didn’t care for or roles that were not too aspirational – some offers, but not the whole package. However, all of these interviews were grooming me… preparing me for something, I just didn’t know what.

Then to my surprise, another role at the company I really wanted to work for popped up – I had already built a rapport with the Boss I have now, and he was impressed by my persistence, so I bagged an interview! The role was slightly junior to the role I originally wanted, so it was less intense of a process (the process was still vigorous I shit you not) however, because of all the prep, the passion and the focus, I fully believed this was no coincidence, and that this job was mine.

During the interview (the best I have had ever, I mean I have never sold myself so well, and experienced such a profound connection with the interviewer and most of all, never felt so confident and relaxed) I felt, “I got this!”, afterwards, I ate, slept and bathed with the thought of me getting the job. I visualised myself being in the role, starting planning my routes to the locations I would be managing, affirming it and attaching myself to it. Several interviews later and I got the call… I got the job.

So the power of the mind is real.

Likewise, I have experienced the polar opposite – negative thought and self-fulfilling prophecy. I wont go into the many instances where this has been living proof for me as I am trying not to focus on it and recall those events back into my life. But what I can say is, they were painful, they were my worst nightmares and they played out exactly in life as they did in mind.

So I suppose I should get on with this list… and restore balance to my cruddy excuse of an existence.

  1. My Job.
  2. Waking up today and everyday before this day.
  3. Diagnosis and treatments of the many ailments I am suffering – finally feeling I am in control and managing and overcoming the illnesses.
  4. My family – especially seeing my parents reach the 65 marker.
  5. The support network I have during this difficult time.
  6. The better relationship I have with my parents, the older I get, the closer we get.
  7. I have a roof over my head and it is in London and I am not paying out of my arse, even if the circumstances of where I am living are not ideal.
  8. I have food, clothes and water, I can pay my bills and I am in no major financial difficulty.
  9. My domestic issues seem to be settling down, things are not as irate and miserable as they were, not where I would like them to be, but better than they were.
  10. I haven’t lost my hair due to stress this time, if anything it’s the thickest and healthiest its been. The little things…
  11. I passed a theory test I needed for a security pass at work – first time with no hassle. Power of the phrase, “I got this!”.
  12. I have a review for a housing situation, after being originally bumped off and having to appeal for my case to get attention.
  13. I have a doctor who listens and actually makes time and follows up on things.
  14. I have Virgin TV and I can now watch Live TV like the rest of my friends.
  15. My cats are all well, I really love my cats.

So, I guess for now that’s it. I suppose one thing I missed off the list… but I am the most grateful for is the fact that my connection with God is improving. I feel closer to God and through prayer and the good council of faithful friends, old and new, I am beginning to see the light, and let myself fully give God control.

I am also grateful not to have so many nightmares, and to be getting more than a few hours of sleep. I suppose I do feel better after writing the list, and I suppose for all the things going a bit array in my life, there is double the blessing – beauty for ashes… things are not all that bad and a lot better than we think.

The mind is a minefield as well as a mine filled with buried treasure….   – ModeDeLaMinx

Peace and Love

Mode x